Monday, February 21, 2011

Hello Cosmo.

There is a song by the band Animal Bag called Hello Cosmo and it starts like this.

Hello Cosmo didn't mean to go astray
Took life to serious began to slip away
One must conform to expectations of the mass
Need to relax awhile and lie down in the grass

Good day sunshine can I share in your warm glow
Put trust in people that I did not even know
Almost convinced me to regret the things I've done
Need to redeem myself and sit here in the sun

I know it’s been a long time since I have written anything. Honestly I feel like I haven’t had anything significant to write about.

Today you find me with a lot of self-inflicted loathing. A LOT! Don’t get me wrong. I still love me, and thing I am a great guy. I’m just not happy.

Keep in mind I love to cook. Yet, for some reason I haven’t eaten anything other than pizza, hot dogs, and nachos for the last four days and I am now paying for it. 30 years ago I could have survived off of a weekend binge of crap food but not now. Plus... I had a couple of cigars… so I have done all of the bad things that won’t kill me instantly.

Spiritually I have been lacking also. I’ve blown off Mass the last couple of weeks, I still haven’t finished off my penance from my last confession, haven’t been to water polo in a month and still haven’t fixed my telescope yet.

This brings me to a too familiar crux. I generally get to this point and I visualize standing at a fork in the road. I keep getting on the fork that loops back to this point and as I write this I am staring at a guidepost that says, “Change-Your-Life” or “Stay-Comfortable-and-Miserable”.

Change-Your-Life is the one with the loop in it.

I want to say this is my big re-commitment. In some ways it honestly feels like it is another opportunity to blow things off again that are truly good for me. Again. To be fair and not beat myself up to bad a lot of the things I did last time have stuck with me, and that I take as a good sign. Just need more practice. Still, normal procedures are to ditch all previous attempts and plunge deeper in to the bad.

I learned these lessons from last time. Church is good. Friends are good. Exercise is good. Science is fun. Rope is fun. Eating like a pig, goat or Wampa is bad. Smoking is bad.

These are the things that should be at the fore front of my mind. In those instances where I think doing the opposite is a really great idea. Life would be a lot easier if I knew why thinking not good is a grand idea, and that is part of the challenge of life isn’t it? With out a challenge there would be no reason to progress right!?!? I do wish I were more evolved though….

This all leaves me with what I am going to do about myself. As I am looking at the Change-Your-Life sign it is well lit, has these cheesy red chili pepper lights hanging off of it and sits on a nice shiny post in well manicured grass. The other one is hanging by one bold on a rusty and bent pole surrounded by weeds.

We all know I am going to take the loop again.

I need to place more emphasis on my faith. Not anyone else’s, because I firmly believe that this is a matter of personal choice. I chose Catholicism because it felt right and I stole a rosary when I made a pact with God. I have friends who happen to be Wiccan, Jewish, Buddhist, At-One-With-The-Force, and heaven forbid Protestants. They are as true to their beliefs as I am to mine. Probably more so if I have to really admit it. We are friends because we don’t hide behind failed lives, fear, or ignorance. We know faith is love and that is why we are who we are.

My faith serves to make me feel better about myself. With that in mind I feel like my body was a gift from God. A loner I am supposed to be taking care of in this corporeal plane until I head off to green grass and high tides. The sin is in how I have been abusing it, and that kinda hits upon part of the penance I am lagging behind on. I need to run more. Cycle more. Damn it.. I joined a water polo team. I chose a team sport for once and I committed to a group that expects me to show up and practice, play and improve. The worst thing is I haven’t failed myself. I failed them too.

This brings us to the way I have been treating my friends. When I am at work, or commit to a gig, I am so there ready to work. When it comes to my social life I exert a lot more flexability. Seriousl, it never enters my head that people want to spend time with me. I just don’t think I am that special. Honestly. I am a blessed man that they still invite me out to bars, parties, their homes, and movies because lately my response has been a) No, or b) Yes, with the option to blow you off unless there are nachos involved.

The day is going to come and I am going to look back ad read this and know exactly why, and know that I only had myself to blame for this. I really need to get back into some sort of community, and I am not talking “Social Media.”, although there are a few people out there I really like but don’t live anywhere near me that I would like to stay in touch with. Mostly they live in Canada. The answer to this is easy. Get off the couch and out of the bed, and move off of the driving range and move on to the greens. Make the water polo team a priority. Start running more races. Go camping with actual people. Get involved with a ministry.

I am going to start cooking at home more. Hell, I am going to start cooking at my friends houses too, because honestly I really don’t think I can stand anymore pizza…

So this brings me to Arts and Science! I love astronomy. In particular planetary and lunar observation. Do I know a lot about them? Nope. Because I am as big a slack as about science as I am about my diet. I started this blog intending it to be a journal regarding my scientific pursuits and outdoor activities. Instead it has turned into this thing you are reading now. I am assuming you are reading this if you got this far.

Not to keep you tied up this long, I wrote all of this just to tell you this is me once again taking the fork with the chili pepper lights. We’ll talk again when I come around the bend.

My best,